London, UK. In a surprise move yesterday, Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that nuclear waste will be stored on London Underground trains.
“Concerns for the proposed new British nuclear energy programme have centred around the disposal of hazardous nuclear waste,” explained Energy Minister Malcolm Wicks. “Successive governments have been unable to find safe burial sites. They have to be monitored closely, and there’s always the risk of leakage into the water table. This solves the problem at a stroke because the tunnels are constantly monitored by PFI contractors and the containers are always available for inspection.”
Details of the scheme have yet to be finalised, but it is envisaged that an extra half-carriage would be added to all trains on ‘deep’ lines, such as the Northern, Piccadilly and Bakerloo. Additional benefits would include the eradication of mice and rat populations through exposure to radiation.
“It only seems fair that Londoners foot the risk,” added Environment Minister David Miliband. “After all, the South East is where we will see most population growth and electricity consumption until 2020. My own constituency of South Shields is such a long way away and I have a ministerial car.”
London Mayor Ken Livingstone was a surprise backer of the scheme. “I’ve always been a staunch anti-nuclear campaigner,” he said, speaking from the back of a gravy train. “But if you wave a bit of cash at me, I’m happy to sell out.”