In a surprise announcement last night, Thames Water claimed that chronic leaks resulting in a loss of 894 million litres of water per day were part of a planned environmental care programme.
“Thousands of trees are dying out all over London due to the drought,” said a spokesperson. “With six million trees in the Greater London area, 894 million litres of leaking water works out at 149 litres of water per tree per day. That’s just 33 gallons. A mature oak can easily respirate 200 gallons per day. If anything, we should be making these leaks worse.”
Thames Water’s latest announcement comes off the back of an earlier claim that, since water from leaking pipes goes back into the groundwater from which Thames takes some of its supply, the leaks are somehow not a problem. “We’re thinking of asking London Underground to turn up the heat in the tunnels,” added the spokesperson. “All that perspiration going deep into the earth can only be a good thing for groundwater levels.”
STOP PRESS: In a surprise move, Thames Water has announced that it is to dynamite large tracts of London’s Victorian sewage system. “Sewage is great fertiliser,” said the spokesperson. “This will be hugely beneficial to the environment. And it will save us a huge amount on the costs of restoration.”