This week’s downgrading of Pluto from its status as a planet was only a foretaste of today’s shocking revelation that astronomers have finally admitted that the universe outside of planet Earth is actually fake.
“Copernicus and Galileo were actually well-known hoaxers,” admitted Prof. Lowell of the Institute of Historical Astronomy — the only scientist willing to talk to Mark Speed’s Wizarre Borld last night. “Of course, when the church authorities placed him under house arrest, conspiracy theorists seized on this as proof that he was right. It all just snowballed from there. Scientists — and particularly astronomers — realised they were onto a good thing. There were grants, university chairs, then Nobel Laureates. It was greed. We kept having to feed the public’s imagination with ever-more weird and wonderful facts. Our theories got ever more elaborate — eventually we ended up inventing preposterous things like ‘dark matter’ to try to make our theories work.”
Galileo – ‘Bit of a joker’
In fact, the ancient theories with their over-complicated movements of the planets were correct: everything does in fact revolve around the Earth. After the astronomers admitted their hoax, NASA came clean about the structure of the heavens. “It’s all crystal spheres, each one inside the other,” admitted a spokesman. “The Russians were never in any danger of hitting the innermost sphere with Sputnik in 1957 because it was in a very shallow orbit. But we did begin to suspect something was up with the first manned missions when some of the crew reported seeing what they thought were reflections. You have to remember that this was at the height of the Cold War and neither side could blink first, although each side knew that the other must know the truth. The Russians were the first to send a spacecraft round the back of the Moon. It came perilously close to breaking the sphere which the Moon is attached to — if the craft had been any larger then they might have cracked it. Both sides then worked together to produce fake photographs of the other side of the Moon. There’s a reason you can only ever see that one side of the Moon that faces us — it’s stuck to its own crystal sphere.”
Copernican and Galilean theories had apparently proved that the complex movements performed by the planets could best be explained by the Earth and the other planets orbiting the Sun. Scientists now concede that each of the planets is planted on its own crystal sphere, revolving around the Earth in an erratic manner. “The only thing the ancients got wrong were the distances,” said a NASA spokesman. “The Moon is quarter of a million miles away, the stars are just over three million miles away and the furthest crystal sphere containing the galaxies is about five million miles from the Earth’s surface. In order to send probes to other planets we’ve had to use hi-tech glass-cutting equipment. It’s only a matter of time before we reach the outermost sphere. Who knows what we’ll find lies beyond that?”
NASA was keen to point out that the lunar landings by the Apollo teams were real. “Oh, we sent them there alright,” said the spokesman. “But the whole one-sixth gravity is bullshit. The guys would have fallen off under the Earth’s gravity but for the centrifugal force keeping them in place. For the sake of the nation’s morale we couldn’t reveal that the whole triumphant space programme was only a partial success, so we had to continue to pump more federal dollars into it. It was great for this country’s technological development, and provided employment to many highly qualified scientists and engineers.”
This publication understands that the stable nature of the spheres has been a boon for telecommunications and satellite navigation. “It’s easy,” said a spokesman from the European Space Agency. “You just have to get a rocket up there and then stick the satellites onto the inside of the sphere. It’s a piece of cake.”