Blair To ‘Go With The Crowds Wanting More’

September 5, 2006

Prime Minister Tony Blair’s closest allies yesterday said that he is to ‘go with the crowds wanting more’.  Wizarre Borld‘s opinion pollsters solicited the following suggestions this evening from our readership:

  • The United States
  • The Moon
  • The guillotine
  • The Planet Mongo
  • Being fed to the lions
  • Back beneath the stone he crawled out from under
  • Swimming with the fishes (former Italian PM Berlusconi to help)

And, contrary to his allies’ opinions, definitely not:

  • The House of Lords
  • The United Nations
  • Talk shows

It is interesting to note that Blair’s allies and our readership did agree on one destination: the Chris Evans Show on Radio 2.  Presumably our readership believed it would be interesting car-crash radio to listen to two self-obsessed has-beens toadying to each other.

Autism — Are Matzos To Blame?

September 5, 2006

On Radio 4 this morning I heard that men over the age of 40 are six times more likely to have autistic children.  The study was carried out by studying 100,000 births in Israel.

Here at Wizarre Borld, we regard it as our job to question the logic of apparently clear conclusions.  For example, we think it more interesting to reverse the argument and state that if you have autism, your father is six times more likely to be aged over 40.  So the question is not whether a man’s sperm degenerates with age, but what habits — dietary, lifestyle and even relationships — does a 40-year-old man have which makes autism more prevalent in his offspring?

And Lo!  On page 10 of today’s Guardian — i.e. just an hour after I heard the news on the radio — I saw that another study had linked autism to bacteria in the gut.  Glenn Gibson from the University of Reading studied the faeces of 50 autistic and 50 normal children.  He found raised levels of the bacterium clostridium in the faeces of the autistic children.  Gibson has now set up a study giving autistic children probiotic treatment.

The question here at Wizarre Borld is whether men over the age of 40 fathering children have dietary habits which cause raised levels of clostridium.  The only population where this age-related correlation has been proven to occur is Israel.  Could Matzos be to blame?

Man Stops at Red Light in South London

September 4, 2006

A man was arrested last night after stopping at a red traffic light on Streatham High Road.

“It was a shocking piece of driving,” said local pedestrian Ed Fuller.  “The light went amber and he braked slowly to a stop just a second after it had gone red.  He showed a careless disregard for his own street cred.”

Local police confirmed that a man in his early thirties had been cautioned in relation to the incident.  “He had stopped in the correct lane to turn left up into Leigham Court Road and was even indicating.  He didn’t think of the impact this would have on the shoppers waiting to risk life and limb to sprint across to the Somerfield supermarket on the other side. Many required treatment for shock.”

“If only he’d been the South Londoner driving the Smart-1 probe at the weekend,” said Wizarre Borld’s source at ESA.

Related news:

South London Cyclist Seen Using Road
‘Mistake’ as European Probe Crashes into Moon, Admit Scientists

‘Mistake’ as European Probe Crashes Into Earth, Admit Scientists

September 3, 2006

The European Space Agency (ESA) crashed the Smart-1 probe into the moon at 4,500mph in the early hours of this morning.  The plume of dust thrown up will enable scientists to analyse the chemistry of the surface material more accurately.

It was the first ion-powered motor ever used in the history of space flight.  Charged xenon atoms are expelled from the back, using electricity from solar panels.  The thrust produced is slower but steadier than conventional rockets, which give short, sharp thrusts that expend large amounts of fuel at a lower velocity.  The ion drive proved highly efficient and lightweight in powering the dishwasher-sized probe.

“Actually, the story about analysing the dust was bullshit,” said a spokesman for the ESA, speaking on condition of anonymity.  “We named it Smart-1 with our tongues firmly in our cheeks.  The trouble is that the steering’s a bitch.  And it didn’t help that the guy piloting it remotely was from South London.  If we’d known what reckless drivers these guys are, we’d never have let him near it.  Of course, he’s laughing his arse off and talking about meeting Jeremy Clarkson from Top Gear.

“And the other thing is that it’s not just a dishwasher-sized probe, as referred to in our press releases,” said our source.  “It was, in fact, an actual dishwasher.  Europe has a dishwasher-mountain and this is the first phase in testing extra-terrestrial dumping of white electrical goods like dishwashers, fridge-freezers and washing-machines.”

There was further consternation at ESA’s headquarters this evening as scientists discovered that the absorption spectrum of the dust was identical with that of dehydrated blue cheese.

Related news:

Galileo Wrong, Church Right, Admit Scientists

Earth Not Really a Planet, Say Scientists

Lost Moon Shot Tapes Found

South London Cyclist Seen Using Road

September 3, 2006

Breaking news, Streatham Hill
Reports are coming through that a cyclist was seen using Streatham High Road, rather than the pavement.

“It was incredible,” said local resident Brian Stead. “He was perfectly polite to other motorists and didn’t swear once. But if he was hoping to knock pedestrians down, he was going about it the wrong way. And quite how he was supposed to steal goods displayed outside shops, or snatch mobile phones or handbags, I have no idea. The man’s clearly a maniac and has to be stopped.”

The Cost of a Private Education

September 3, 2006

I came across the website of Merchiston Castle School recently  The propaganda about the advantages of a single-sex boarding education for boys is a little dishonest; particularly for a school which prides itself on such a tough sporting tradition.  Indeed, the most recent research dispels the myth of the superiority of single-sex education.

I could find no mention of the school’s famous sons — perhaps because notoriety for alcoholism, psychopathic behaviour, drug-taking and wife-beating are all areas of excellence which tend to develop after one’s time there.

It was the headmaster’s statement that appalled me the most.  He said that ‘Boys need not be high jacked by a laddish culture’.  The word is actually ‘hijacked’, and it has been in common usage since the 1920s.  There are other obvious mistakes, such as the closing speech marks at the end of the first paragraph (the same person is continuing his speech in the following paragraph).  For a school currently charging so much and making such high claims for its educational standards, I’d expect better from its headmaster.

Headmaster's statement Click on it to read it, if you can be bothered.